View source for What I wish my elder Aspie self had been there to tell my young Aspie self, so I'm telling it to you

# Social life is not going to be what makes you feel happy and secure. Find something else that makes you feel good, that is reliable and makes sense to you, that is available, that feels safe and fun. For me that's books and writing, and one-on-one relationships.
# Groups are not the thing. Nor are they required. You don't have to socialize in groups.
# If people turn you down 3 times, stop asking. Even if they have an excuse, even if they claim that they totally want to hang out. They probably don't want to. If you stop asking and they DO want to hang out, they will hit you up.
# If people exclude you, don't answer, don't invite you, don't talk to you anymore, or whatever other kind of weird passive-aggressive distancing behavior, do not ask them why or start a whole big conversation about how it makes you feel and what you thought and try to get them to explain themselves. They're just not that into you. Peace out and do your own thing.
# You are not the problem. Or at least, you are not the only problem. The other people, even purportedly 'normal' people, are also all kinds of messed up. They may not be ASD, but like as not they are dealing with anxiety, depression, abusive relationships, weird upbringing, drug abuse, surviving trauma, financial stresses, body image problems, health problems, etc. This is not a world where there are aspies and then a bunch of normal stable people who know everything and do everything right. Each and every one of us is struggling.
# Do not decide who to trust based on a priori reasoning processes. Watch Brené Brown's video on what trust consists of and follow the instructions. Be careful with your trust until you have seen somebody establish a pattern over six to nine months at least.
# Do not decide who is your friend based on a priori reasoning processes either. 'They helped me' or 'They chat with me all the time' or 'They gave me compliments' does not mean somebody is your friend. Plenty of people, women especially, do that stuff with people they straight up despise, just because they feel obliged to or they want to create the identity that they are extremely nice and kind people. Watch the rest of their behavior and double check. Do they say nice things about everybody? Then it just cancels out and the fact that they say it to you is meaningless. A person is your friend if they volunteer to spend time with you, initiate getting together, ask you questions about yourself, express affection, respect, and admiration, and show up when you ask for help and likewise ask you for help.
# Respect your own feelings. Do not override your feelings of rejection, awkwardness, discomfort, or hurt by thinking 'I only think that because I'm ASD, therefore that feeling should be ignored.' Doing so is dangerous and violent to yourself. If you feel awkward, figure out how to take care of your feeling kindly. If regular dates suck for you, find people who are up for a date which is in a format you can deal with, such as a game or a task or a specific activity that you find comforting.
# Be extremely kind, generous, encouraging, and affirming of yourself. YOU are responsible for giving yourself all of those things. Do not mutilate yourself trying to get those things from others. That's not healthy, even for NT folks, and for us it's absolutely masochistic. Keep the majority of your attention on yourself and your needs. Do things that are fun and feel good.
# Most of it is bullshit. Most of the narratives and scripts we are offered are trash. You don't have to go along with them. 'I'm ASD so I am going to struggle with relationships' is a script. Write your own damn script. A less violent, hateful, and stigmatising script. For me it's something more like 'I'm ASD so most people are going to be disabled in their capacity to connect with me and understand me. I should therefore be cautious towards others and very gentle with myself, and I should treasure those people who have figured out how to do it.'

Sending out love to all of you. Be loyal to yourselves. Be proud of who you are. Nourish and bless who you are. ''You are good''.

— [https://www.reddit.com/r/aspergirls/comments/vuddhb/what_i_wish_my_elder_aspie_self_had_been_there_to/ Equivalent-Pea-6676]

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